Broken, smitten, forbidden, shaken;
State, wait, fate, hesitate;
Away, delay, stay, day;
Please, tease, release, appease.
Words by Adun Ladehinde
You stand and ask me why I'm broken
Demand an answer cuz now you're smitten
The plan was physical, emotions forbidden
It's yours, not mine, whos world you've shaken
Still you try to change my state
Even claim you're prep'd to wait
But you should know you can't change fate
I will move on, won’t hesitate
Say what you like, I'll walk away
The more you rant, less the delay
You ask yourself, "Why bother stay"
I whisper back, "Why waste the day"
Go right ahead, do as you please
Say I'm no good, call me a tease
I've held you back? You want release?
You're just like me, your flesh appease.
Akin Ogunsola
March, 2009
This is true talent! You were able to write a poem even though you were given random words. WOW!!!
ReplyDeleteI like the poem btw. Please keep it up...I look forward to reading your work!
I like this. I has a very staccato feel to it. Good job combining the words you were assigned!
ReplyDeleteThis is good and there is no doubt about your writing skills. But I challenge you to write something without using rhyme or alternatively, let's have a private rhyme off and we'll see. If I cannot match you then I'll know you're really really good.
ReplyDeletethis is really nice...its just unique, its like u r writing a poem and at the same time pouring out ur heart. it almost doesn't look like u r rhyming
ReplyDeleteTypo on "Whose" - you missed out the E.
ReplyDeleteYou lack commas in some places - especially "Why bother stay" - I didn't understand that. Do you mean "Why bother to stay" or "Why bother? Stay." Either way, a punctuation is missing there somewhere! And I'm also inclined to think that you should omit the "have" in "I've held you back?" - the "have" is unnecessary.
Otherwise, I like the piece! You're right in that you have similar ways of expressing yourself, and this piece if different to the rest.
I challenge you to write about something other than love. And I challenge you to avoid using any cheese or cliches :) I noted that everything you've written so far is very cheesy, and a lot about lost love or loving someone. I wanna see another topic.
One flaw I noted with your writing (in general) is that you write like a stream of consciousness. Sometimes you omit important words like "the" or "I" or something similar, for the sake of "elegance" or "poetry" - but to me, sometimes it just reads like it's incorrect English. You also don't use enough commas.
You clearly have talent - keep polishing it!
You're right Iris, as far as omitting letters I can honestly say I dislike poems that completely 'spell it out'. I feel its necessary to some degree to have people fill in the blanks... nothing wrong with a little work on the readers end. Plus if we haven't got elegance then all we've got is an essay :).
ReplyDeleteHaha and it's just that - "why bother stay". You ask yourself why you're wasting your time with me... or it could be you're asking yourself why I bother with you... honestly, it works both ways for me.
I'll correct the typo - good looking out. In general tho, I use comma's more to establish a rhythm than to be grammatically correct.
Ouch!!
ReplyDeleteWow!!
I'd say immediately i had an idea of what you were talking about and by the end i understood and can say that many people can realte to it.
The use of the random words within the poem points out what happens today.
This could be a female's lament,:D
I love it, but would ask if you could do somthing similar without rhythming. i feel this would give it more depth and emotional impact. Or even possibly be given a title and write on this.
Keep up the work
Great job combining the assigned words and not straying from the target, but maybe you should try to write without rhyming. It might be more natural and your writing might be more diverse because there won't be the problem of trying to rhyme!
ReplyDeleteBut good work!